Hello people,
So today so far has been awful.Last night my social worker came round to help get me back into school and onto a weekly school routine. I don't attend mainstream atm but a specialist school with is for children like myself,who suffer with anxiety ect. I personally hate it. However,the goal is to reintegrate me back into mainstream school,by easter, which means as of today I would have to attend registration which I have never done.If anything I was excited about finally making a step forward and getting one step closer to going back to "normal" school.I woke up dead happy and started getting ready,doing what I do everyday just earlier.I'd done my hair and make up and was ready to go out of the door.
My Mum seems to have this thing where,if I dont wake up in a low depressed mood.She will personally put me in a low depressed mood. Like today she started putting me down and shouting at me for no reason. Today was supposed to be a new day and she ruined it per usual.Now I'm sat at home refusing to go to school,because I spent two hours doing make up just to have black lines on my cheeks from crying yet again. I cry everyday about going into school and people letting me down,I never thought my mum would let me down again.She's stormed off to work without a care in the world.
Also,a lot of people say I'm selfish for refusing to go to school,errmm hello.I care about my education,I want an education but:
A.I have anxiety issues which cause me to have panic attacks most mornings.
B.I don't want to have an education at this special school.
We aren't actually aloud to talk about the other pupils,but everyone there is so paranoid.You laugh at someones joke,they're all at it like "What you saying about me?". I mean I get it because I'm paranoid too sometimes but being in a room with a lot of paranoid people..I cant even.Jeez.
Another thing I dont like is,they seriously have an answer to everything.I'm a stubborn person I like things done my way,If I want something or I get an idea I stick to it. I don't understand why if I like my mainstream school so much(I had less anxiety there too) why I can't go back sooner,rather than later? They always go on about my rights to an education,what rights?The school doesn't provide the curriculum of any of my favorite studies,they only do the main core subjects and a bunch of "fun" lessons.I want to access a better education but they are technically banning me.I love history so much,hence why I chose it for an option.They do not have history at this special school and considering I've been there since October,doing things I dont particularly like..is just so annoying and by easter it would be too late for me to start studying it. They say I cant study it at college or university,point is I want to study it now, whilst i'm interested in it.
The classrooms are so bloody small,in my year alone there is only five of us (including me), All girls and they're all lovely.Now call me weird,but I'd rather but my hand up to answer a question than to shout it out as I am fairly shy.Obviously,cos the class is so small, we have to shout out. I'm fine talking to friends but when it comes to teachers,I get this weird stutter and croak thing,I dont know why cos I dont have problems talking,I dont understand that.
I miss the order of a mainstream school. This is probably the geekest (is that a word?) point I've made.But in a mainstream school you tend to have your "Geeks" "Populars" "Chavs" ect who stick together. What I like about this is,you're friends with people who are similar to you.Have a similar personality and what not. At this school everyone is friends with everyone. Chavs,Geeks and Populars all mix together and get on quite well most the time.I kind of like that idea to some extent but some of the Chavs and Populars intimidate me for some reason,probably because they are quite loud. I like the friends I've made,I never in a million years would have spoken to people like them but it proves you shouldn't judge them:) Like now I'm friends with a wrestler and she is one of the most amazing people i've ever met :)
Going with the sort of friends flow, I miss all my friends at mainstream.At the beginning after I left,I stupidly cut all contact with them due to the fact I felt so low and depressed I just couldn't be bothered. Its actually only since November I started talking to people again.From this i've realized who my true good lifetime friends are,the ones I hope to stick with in the future forever.(sounds cheesy but oh well).
Super geeky point, I miss the homework overload. I stopped doing homework a very long time ago due to the stress and pressure.By a long time ago I mean two ish years ago...oops.Now that I've been getting a tiny bit of homework at this "special school"...I really miss getting shit tons of homework,that you rush the night before its due.
A point about the teachers...at this school they are all so nice,its like having adult friends.Literally they will talk to you about their disaster dates or their children ect.Now this I kind of like. But I miss the teacher standing at the front of the class doing their lecture on that one annoying student for 20 mins or so, then finally starting the lesson.
I know this may seem like a really moany blog post,but I just want you guys to realize how lucky you all are to be able to attend a mainstream school,I would give anything to go back there today but I cant (stupid education minister people) and if you feel like not getting up in the morning and going to school just do it.Otherwise you could end up somewhere like where I go and trust me its not nice or worth it.
What are your favorite memories/points about school?Leave a comment :)
Love Leah xx
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